Twilight

And now for a movie that truly sucks. Twilight is a film about a teenage girl living in the rainiest bit of land in this United States. It's dark and dreary and the characters and drearier. Bella (Kristen Stewart who is actually a damn fine actress) is enamored by the pasty (but hot) teenage boy at school. She moves through her classes lazily except when she sees him (Robert Pattinson). She discovers that his name is Edward and that, holey moley, he's a vampire. But this news does not dissuade Bella from her ventures with the dashing Edward. And of course something gets in the way of their love. It's more vampires! For, I've forgotten to mention that Edward and his family are a sort of vegan vampire group, and that the other (more devious) vampires are now after Bella because, hell, she looks like a fine piece of meat. And now for why this movie sucks, if the plot has not been convincing enough. From a technological point of view, it's extremely campy and silly (but it isn't aware of that). Each scene looks gloomy (and not in the gorgeous camerawork sort of way) and the lines of professing love are ultimately ridiculous and wooden (not the good type). Twilight is so amateurish in every way that it almost becomes a little enjoyable, because its so funny. That seems to be its stature among fans of the series, but there was a sort of last nail in the coffin for this movie (ha!) or two. The first was that the scene where the vampires fight it out for Bella was absolutely ridiculous. It's probably the biggest anti-climax of all time. It sucks. The second is that the entire story is a metaphor for abstinence. Edward will not have sex with Bella and will not turn her into a vampire (consummating their...vampiric conjunction). And oh how Bella is the number one loser of all time, I don't think in any of the books does she actually do something for herself, but she is the ultimate weepy housewife sort of girl. Her idea of taking matters into her own hands is to cry. Goddammit this movie is a fucking waste of time and energy. Kristen Stewart can do better than this (Yellow Handkerchief, Welcome to the Riley's, Adventureland).
Twilight:★★